This is a (non-exhaustive) list of things that I do that annoy my wife:

When I am nervous, I laugh

Very often when I am certain that I am right about a thing, I am quite wrong about that thing

When I am full, I give her hugs & snuggles, no matter how busy she is

Decades ago, I told her that she was holding an umbrella wrong – she still brings it up

I rearrange dishes that she has already loaded into the dishwasher

Right before I fall asleep, I tuck my socks behind my head on my pillow just in case I need them during the evening

I regularly forget things about our life together

Sometimes if I’m telling a story that she knows happened on, say, a Tuesday, but I say that the thing happened on, say, a Wednesday, she will correct me, and (but?) I will continue talking as if it could have very well happened on a Tuesday or a Wednesday, all, Anyway as I was saying …

I ask for her help loading the washing machine we’ve had for 18 years

I once had a soul patch

I met her great-uncle Henry once at a wedding. After, like, ten minutes of me talking to him, Henry told her, “You’re lucky to have him” — she asked me if her uncle had also said that I was lucky to have her. Reader, he had said no such thing

[redacted ancient history thing]

I add that ’93 Snoop Dogg ‘izz to lots of what I say, to the extent that my own children say Harry Pizznotter rather than Harry Potter

Sometimes I put her used tea mug (which she leaves by the sink with other dirty dishes) in the dishwasher, when I should know by now that she is going to reuse that mug later

I follow behind her turning off lights that she’s just turned on

Just as I’m happily about to drift off to sleep, I pat her shoulder to let her know that I love her, which interrupts her drifting off

I can fall asleep on demand—like, if falling asleep were an Olympic event, I would be a gold medalist

I once broke up with her for a really dumb short-sighted reason

I exercise regularly

I sing along with songs but paraphrase the lyrics so that the song no longer rhymes

[redacted bathroom thing]

I am very happy when I wake up, like whistling happy

I whistle upbeat versions of sad songs—for example, a swingin’ peppy version of Les Miserables’ “On My Own”

My default song to whistle is “As Time Goes By”, which I have been whistling in her presence for nigh-on thirty years

Whenever she drives us home from a nice evening with adults where I’ve been drinking, I curse a whole lot on the drive, like, way more than is necessary, and I usually wind up saying “I was funny tonight” over and over

I am very particular about my coffee. I’m getting worse

Sometimes when I see her around the house and remember that I love her, I’ll just moan, “Oh mama” like she’s leaving on a long trip or something. She’ll interrupt what she’s doing to ask, ”What?”, and I’ll just moan, “Oh mama” again

I once had a beard

[redacted pretentious thing]

When she texts me, chances are greater than 75% that my response will be “Lordy Lou” or “Whatreyagonnado [insert shrug emoji]”

I am listed as a co-volunteer on loads of school stuff, but she does all the work

I yawn loudly

I claimed as my own a soft silk eye pillow that a friend gave her for a gift

[To be updated]