middleagedmiddlechild.

I write.

I read.

  • i read: march 2025.

    March 9th, 2025

    The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie by Muriel Spark is another novel I discovered thanks to The Guardian‘s list of 100 best novels in English. It is a novel just short enough to make you wish it were longer & just relatable enough to make you think it’s autobiographical. The title character, a teacher at a Scottish day school for girls, is just enigmatic enough to amuse you and just wrong-headed enough to shock you–she has a strange (& apparently not uncommon) fascination with fascist leaders in the 30s. Miss Brodie is in her prime, as she is quick to tell her students, particularly her “set” of favorites, whom she keeps an eye on even after they progress to the high school level of her school. It’s a great novel about the allure & danger of a great-souled person, about the power & limitations of friendship, and about the ways we live on in the lives of others, for better or for worse.

    The Voices of Adriana by Elvira Navarro is a sneaky & surprising little novel. A novel in three parts, each of which has its own focus & angle & narrative approach. Part 1 focuses on the narrator Adriana navigating a new normal for her widower father as he recovers from his stroke and enters the world of online dating. Part 2 focuses on the home of her childhood & summers, not her parents’ home but that of her grandparents–further out in the country, deeper into religious faith, richer in the stories & legends of the Spanish Civil War. Part 3 curates the varied voices of the narrator, her mother, and her grandmother, sometimes contradictory, sometimes upset at what they are being made to say. The Voices of Adriana rewards a slow & adventurous reader. It reminded me of The Crying of Lot 49, another masterful novel that gets more curious and less certain (for this reader) as the novel progresses.

    Stone Yard Devotional by Charlotte Wood. A story that opens with a stark choice, a woman deciding to leave her husband & job & life for a religious community in a desolate landscape. It happens to be the landscape of her childhood, which brings up childhood cruelties & childhood acquaintances in dramatic ways. Years & silences bring horrors both relatable & fantastic– a once-bullied classmate & a plague of mice (really), among other things. I was ready for this one, a thoughtful novel that takes meditation & memory seriously, a deeply emotional novel that isn’t strident or loud in its depths, and finally, a novel that provides resolutions that are earned & believable, if not utterly rosy.

    True Failure by Alex Higley. First of all, a novel that is universal in its look at early middle-age, at pre-parenthood marriage, at nearly-meaningful adult work, at the allure of fame, at the horror of living hand-to-mouth in the upper reaches of middle class. Higley centers his novel on Ben, a recently-fired early-30s shlub with indie-rock tastes & middle-America dreams — namely, reality-show fame, if not wealth. His long-shot dream draws in several people: his wife Tara a would-be painter currently running a daycare center from their home, a reality-show bigwig Marcy currently seeking a deliberate but subtle way to get fired, Marcy’s interns, a super of one of their apartment buildings, etc. and special guest star Mariska Hargitay (!/?). I loved to see how this one unfolded, how love frustrates & finds a way here.

    Fagin the Thief by Allison Epstein. What Wicked does for The Wizard of Oz, Epstein attempts to do for Oliver! the musical &/or Oliver Twist, the classic novel. The antisemitism of the time is a fact of Epstein’s novel rather than a disappointing shortcoming of characterization. Hatred of Jacob Fagin (given a first name for the first time in any incarnation of his story) is specific to the haters, not a response to stereotypes Fagin embodies. Epstein begins with a retelling of a scene you’d know, namely, Fagin’s meeting Oliver in the presence of Nan & the Artful Dodger. From there, she fleshes out this character’s deep backstory, his East London neighborhood, his own apprenticeship, and his limited set of choices in / for life. Haunted by the ghost of his hanged thief father & the real menace of his one-time pupil-in-crime Bill Sikes, Fagin wins our empathy, and Epstein affords him a resolution that makes a kind of not-entirely-rosy yet hopeful sense.

    Two books by Raj Tawney. Independent bookstores have their charms. Cool selection, cooler staff, and personal connections. Dallas’s Deep Vellum Publishing has been a huge part of my reading since 2014, and Deep Vellum Bookstore naturally followed. Recently, they asked me to host a conversation with independent author Raj Tawney. For my narrative nonfiction juniors, his memoir Colorful Palate: A Flavorful Journey Through a Mixed American Experience really hit a sweet spot. Besides loving how disarming it is in its stories of ethnicity, family, they felt like it was tonally unique. Each chapter wraps up with a recipe, but not necessarily with a happy resolution. Tawney is honest about how human our family relationships are — he understands tension as evidence of love rather than as an obstacle to it. More importantly, they admired how, chapter by chapter, he was able to honor each member of his family on their own terms, to center each relationship as a reflection and a part of himself. And Tawney demonstrates that, like all of us, he is more than the sum of those familial parts. He also has a novel called All Mixed Up, a middle-school level novel about identity, friendship, and the challenges of growing up in a post 9/11 world.  My favorite part of this one was the frankness of the friendship: These middle-school boys are still boys but are there for each other in ways that can inform a life. In this book too, Tawney constructs & honors full-contact relationships with family, sometimes family that disagree with us, family that disappoint us, family that challenge & frustrate us. I’d highly recommend either book — and I’d probably start with Colorful Palate, for how it inspired me to think of the fullness of my family, to be grateful for the wide array of love that has fed me throughout my life.

  • i read: february 2025.

    February 26th, 2025
    Me, at my bookshelf, February 9, 2025, 58% pixelated.

    Somehow I ended up reading a ton of things this month, as always mostly fiction, a good gender balance, but not as much in translation as I usually do.

    PG Wodehouse, Joy in the Morning. A truly silly, truly delightful, absolutely enjoyable comic novel. I have heard great things about Wodehouse, and I am glad that I started with this one, apparently a late novel of his. The interplay between the upper class twit Wooster & his always-capable butler Jeeves was, as advertised, subtle & funny. There were just enough silly misunderstandings to keep you reading from chapter to chapter, and the resolution presages Seinfeld’s sitcom rules: No hugging, no learning. Highly recommend the audiobook.

    Kate Williams, Tell the Machine Goodnight. I had expected this one to be pretty creepy, given the set-up: A device that kinda reads your life and makes future-focused life rules, based on some algorithmic robot thinking. Williams’ first example of this machine guidance begins with innocuous things like “Eat more honey” and shifts quickly to jarring what-could-this-mean things like “Amputate the outermost digit of your index finger.” There’s a really tender & complicated mother-son-divorced dad relationship at the center, driven by various regrets & struggles. Not as tech-focused as the title & cover would suggest. A really human book.

    J. Niimi, 33 1/3 series: REM Murmur. I love this series, each of which focuses on a single album. When you’re a fan of an album, you know a lot about it–sometimes the introductions to these things are rehashes of things / interviews familiar to you. AND when you’re a fan of an album, you cherish a curated deliberate return to it. In this case, the author offers great insight into the production & recording of specific tracks, and she meditates on her own experience with the album & the early 80s. Parts of this book feel quite obviously padded, or maybe it’s fairer to say that they feel quite academically wonky. But it was worth a return to REM, a band I’ve written about here before.

    Anne Tyler, Breathing Lessons. I have avoided this author, because of the breezy & “quirky” movie adaptation of The Accidental Tourist. I’ve been missing out. This novel takes place on a single day (with welcome & enjoyable flashbacks offering context) in the life of a middle-aged woman & her husband traveling to a friend’s husband’s funeral. There are bumps along the way in this relatable accessible everyday novel, each of which is the result of the varieties of love. Sometimes we love in a hurry, we love on impulse, we love because others are watching, we love to recapture something we’re afraid of losing. The couple leaving for the funeral, Maggie Moran and her husband Ira, make it home from the funeral, and they make it home with a kind of life & wisdom they didn’t have when they left. Loved this one.

    E.M. Forster, A Passage to India. I first encountered this novel as homework in grad school. Forster crafts human interaction with great precision & skill; some readers like my professor felt he crafts these interactions with great empathy. It’s a story of culture clash & cultural divides focusing on upper class Brits & educated Indians. When I read it for the first time, I was frustrated by the limits of the cast of characters (all of whom seemed to me overly refined, polite, cultural-norm-bound). But I don’t expect I would have been receptive to a novel that aimed for a kind of novel written by Forster that purported to examine, say, the lives of the poor or of that took a deep dive into Hindu faith & belief. It is a novel that thrives in ambiguity & mystery, in distance & separation.

    Joshua Ferris, To Rise Again at a Decent Hour. Probably the funniest, most thoughtful book about Jewishness & doubt & doubles that I’ve read since Philp Roth’s Operation Shylock, which I wrote about here. Ferris centers the action on Paul C. O’Rourke, doctor of dentistry, a Red Sox fan living in NYC with a thriving practice, a very present ex-girlfriend, and a troubling online double. This double posts in his name a series of claims about the Ulms, a millenia-old hiding-in-plain-sight tribe of nonbelievers. The Ulms, according to the online O’ Rourke have suffered persecution analogous to yet worse than that of the Jews. As reviewers note, the conspiracy parts read like Pynchon; the funny parts read like Eggers; the Jewish history parts read like Roth; and the whole thing is a creation that is Ferris’s alone. I have a couple of quibbles, but the last fifty pages are about as good as any novel I’ve read lately.

    Elizabeth Taylor, Mrs. Palfrey at the Claremont. I remember now what unites this month’s reading–it’s The Guardian‘s list of the 100 best novels. I mean, who cares if they really are the best ever? It’s just helpful to have a list sometimes to narrow things down. In this case, I would have never come across Taylor’s novel, even though it’s published by NYRB, whose novels I purchase in half price on the spine logo alone. This one is a perceptive & at times heart-breaking novel about old people & fellowship. The Claremont is a hotel mostly occupied by elderly tenants comfortable enough to afford it, healthy enough to live on their own, but separated enough from family to have nowhere else to go. The hours pass slowly. The days even more slowly. Errands are invented & painstakingly rendered by Taylor, as tender reminders of how empty a life is without family, without friends, without something to make meaning. The title character Mrs. Palfrey, a new tenant at the Claremont, has the emptiest of days until a kind of meet-cute brings her to Ludovic Meyer, an aspiring poor writer young enough to be her grandson. In fact, to save face with her tenants at the Claremont, Mrs. Palfrey lies, saying that Ludo is her grandson. I won’t spoil the utterly believable complications & subtle kindnesses Taylor creates in this novel, but I will say that it is true without being depressing, hopeful without being naive.

    Johannes Anyuru, Ixelles. Ixelles is a region in Belgium, not a personal name. While this novel was centered on a single mystery (who killed Mio?) impacting a single family (Ruth & her son Em) and a single compelling piece of new evidence (a compact disc with a mysterious voice), I had to keep reminding myself that Anyuru’s project was bigger & deeper. What is the immigrant experience like in Europe? What stories do we live by? Which stories can we shape, and to what end? What fences us in, and how can we find escape & safety & home outside those fences, those families, those communities? You do find out whodunnit, and you do emerge with a mature sense of where this family might go next, thanks to the voice on the compact disc. And it is about a whole lot more than that too.

  • instructions for a utopia (a non-exhaustive list).

    February 18th, 2025
    Pixelated selfie, February 18, 2025

    Artists & musicians are subsidized. They can be summoned via text or video call like you’d call the fire department. Your first child is born? Call for someone to sing a song welcoming her to the world. Disappointed over some work thing? Summon a poet who will create & perform just the right uplifting words.

    Education is recurring. You & your neighbors are always enrolled in a rotating set of growth challenges, each of which is related to the public good. Handiwork, for example, renews each year — gardening, crocheting, whittling. You’re required by law to gain functionality in a new language every ten years.

    Medicine is free. When you’re sick, you know someone will care for you. Every prescription comes with two free prepared meals, one for you, and one for a neighbor, who knows what ails you & who checks on you — not because it’s required by law, but because you care for one another.

    Non-commercial green spaces every five square miles. Dog parks, yoga, tai chi, party pavilions, and vegetable gardens are nearly walkable for everyone everywhere.

    Ceremonial public napping. “Mind the gap” takes on a new meaning to focus on gaps in time. You & your neighbors take shared deliberate pauses in the day, not just pauses from work but pauses from our home spaces. All neighbors pull collapsible cots into the streets for a shared rest. A low gong opens & closes these cathedrals in time.

    Jewelry & accessories are biodegradable. We adorn ourselves with acorn necklaces, vine tendril bracelets, sachets of flowers & fruit rinds. Once a thing begins to rot, you return it to the earth with a prayer of gratitude. After an adornment-free week, you decide whether or not to seek out a new way to celebrate & adorn yourself.

    Alter egos. Everybody has somebody. Every four years, you’re assigned at random a neighbor (reader, as you might have noticed, the word has broader parameters here) to harmonize with via video call — and in person walks, if you choose. These interactions are known as harmonies (not necessarily musical), and each has two parts: Manage & mitigate, then surprise & celebrate. That is, first you unpack what might be burdening you or occupying your attention; then you invite the neighbor to applaud & delight in what has blessed you lately.

    Full moon reconciliation. Every full moon, every neighbor performs a reconciliation beneath the moon. The reconciliation may be spoken to a fellow neighbor, perhaps a neighbor wronged deliberately; the reconciliation may be spoken within the heart, perhaps a shortcoming that demands frank acknowledgement before growing into peace. Note, reader, that the word “reconciliation” also means “acceptance”, as in, I joyfully reconcile myself to this body weight, to this level of mastery at archery, etc. The reconciliations conclude with a silent food exchange between neighbors, only a food item that can fit in one’s hand.

    Living eulogies. On a neighbor’s five hundredth moon, three people create & share living eulogies. A neighbor, an alter ego (not necessarily the current one), and a family member. Each eulogy is written by hand and is preserved as a scroll nestled in a segment of bamboo. After the eulogies are complete, each eulogist paints their signature on the bamboo & melts wax to seal it at each end. These eulogy bamboo are then stored prominently on the inside of each person’s front door, so that they enter & exit each day with those words gracing their paths. The bamboo are unsealed & reread upon the death of each neighbor.

    (to be continued)

  • the chosen one.

    February 13th, 2025
    Some women do not wait
    for a beloved. They create
    their own love, their own
    futures. Their vision -- a seed grown,
    blossomed, harvested. They hope, they plan,
    they seek, they woo. Their chosen man
    is twice blessed -- with love, & more importantly,
    with a guide in how to love bravely.

    Men, or at least the unwisest,
    avoid such women, lest
    they lose freedom or a
    sense of some sexy aura
    they never had anyway.
    To love, they think, is to obey.

    Let there be few such men,
    & let them read this warning again.

    Inspired by Anne Sexton's "Housewife." Image Victor Brauner's Sign.
  • middle of five.

    January 17th, 2025
    A bush in the snow, front yard Irving TX
    I am Felix & Noelia’s third child, their third son. 

    Vietnam separated & complicated the arrival of my brothers.
    I was born into a suburban safe house, a happy family.

    Briefly, I was the baby. Then came a fourth son; finally, a girl.
    Hand-me-downs & shared bedrooms didn’t blunt
    what was there all along: Knowing I was loved, I was not alone.

    Working with my students today on 100-word memoirs, I leaned (as I often do) on the cherita form. This one was easy : )
  • supper, time.

    December 12th, 2024
    I sat at the kitchen bar, a little out
    of arm's reach, watching my kids.
    They had cleared their plates.
    They talked & laughed freely.

    I was outside of it,
    gleefully if not comfortably
    new to this kind of irrelevance
    in their lives.

    I sipped my drink & listened to
    references I didn't get about
    shows I hadn't seen or
    friends I'd never met.

    They'll be gone one day very soon.
    For now, it is enough to know
    that they love each other
    & share this table, this time.

    Vivian Maier, East 108th Street. September 28, 1959. New York, NY

  • outer space.

    December 11th, 2024
    From NASA’s first all-female spacewalk, by Christina Koch (R) and Jessica Meir (L).
    A tube, panels of lights & the promise
    of knowing, of seeing, of discovering
    our limits, our smallness.

    You confront a silence & darkness,
    a weightlessness & wonder
    nothing can prepare you for.

    One day, here where the days
    lose any meaning
    you know below,

    you leave the ship,
    tethered to your machine,
    protected from what's natural.

    You drift in an airtight
    bubbleheaded suit,
    a flag on your sleeve.

    Back home, loved ones stop
    looking skyward, a distance
    you can feel & see.
  • morning villanelle.

    December 2nd, 2024
    Image source
    I'm whiplashed into now. 
    Wiping sleep from my eyes, the dream
    lost before I allow

    myself to grasp it, to plough
    the meanings I knew while asleep. Sunbeams
    color the blinds, and I'm up, brush teeth, shower,

    and put on the uniform of the eternal now,
    a school & a job mine for what seems
    like forever. Become Mr. Garza somehow

    to a campus just awakening. Children in full flower,
    fair & eager & scared & gleaming
    in effortless, lithe power.

    Room after room, the what's & how's
    of a subject made redundant, teen-
    age wasteland in the flesh, all bowed

    under the burden to follow
    in someone's path, a pristene
    record & resume. But how

    to silence their inner voice, louder
    each year, that the meaning
    is in the measuring? Can you roust
    them to see their beauty right now?
  • three relics.

    November 22nd, 2024
    My ring
    Brushed pattern on gold --
    that's what we chose together.
    It's worn smooth since then.
    May 22, '05.
    Ani le dodi. Amen.

    Gran'pa's peacoat
    Remnant of a war
    hangs with hoodies, pajamas.
    Eighty years ago
    he answered the call to serve --
    never sailed, but he still served.

    Batman brush
    A gift I don't use
    but I'll never throw away --
    Avon Batman brush.
    It cost her a lot back then.
    She always gave all she could.

    Tanka inspired by Joni Tevis’s “Three Relics“. Image Joseph Cornell, Untitled (Pharmacy) ca. 1942.

  • teenage tanka.

    November 20th, 2024
    In sixth grade, you grow
    into a sense of humor
    that stings when it works.
    It is unkind, you notice.
    In time, you grow beyond it.
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Thanks for reading–and there’s more! Click here for things I write. Click here for things I read.

 

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